milkthebull

SHAUMBURG, Ill. — “Haters gonna hate”, was the opening statement at Tuesday’s conference call held by transgender MMA fighter Fox Fallon. Fallon, who was born a man, underwent gender reassignment surgery five years ago and lives her life today as a woman. This scenario is not so uncommon today, but what makes Fallon’s story uniquely … Continue reading »

Following the NRA’s comments that teachers need to be armed with guns, NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre decided to comment on how to best stop rape, “It’s common sense. The only way to fight fire, is with more fire. If we preemptively rape the rapists, then there will be no more rapes. Get it?” … Continue reading »

Matt Lauer of the Today Show asked NBA All-Star Derrick Rose “If you return, what kind of offense can we expect the Bulls to run?” Rose replied, “The bigger question is, what is our exact purpose here on earth Matt? Why do we feel no remorse when we step on a worm in the rain? Does life … Continue reading »

“I was just on fire tonight,” said LeBron, “Then I realized it’s because I was scoring on the wrong basket. Boy, Chris Bosh is gonna be mad at me.” Coach Eric Spoelstra admitted, “I’ve never seen anything like this in basketball history. I used all eight of my time outs specifically to remind LeBron that … Continue reading »

    In a close competition, the Vatican announced Bergoglio of Argentina as Pope of the Roman Catholic Church after taking first place in the swimsuit competition. “I really wanted to show my love for the Italian culture, so I knew I had to pick Dolce and Gabbana to put me in the top spot. … Continue reading »

With Benedict XVI in retirement, and the Cardinals meeting to select a new Pope underway, many in the world are turning their attention toward the Vatican, and specifically that little chimney that stems from the Sistine Chapel. If after a vote, black smoke is emitted from the chimney, there is no new Pope.  If it’s … Continue reading »

After accepting his Academy Award this week for best original fiction story, Manti Te’o has no regrets spending time making up stories instead of training for his exceptionally slow, 4.81 seconds, 40-yard dash in his NFL Combine debut. “We use the term ‘run’ loosely, some might call it a jog, or a brisk walk,” said … Continue reading »

The most successful video game in football history, Madden NFL 2013 predicts that Ravens Linebacker Ray Lewis has an 94% chance of sexually assaulting a woman at the Super Bowl XLVII weekend. In a simulated replay Madden NFL 13 shows Lewis at a nightclub dancing to Big Sean’s “Dance Ass” with a young woman. The … Continue reading »

A crowd of almost 1 million turned out in Washington D.C. to hear President Obama’s inaugural speech on the historic Martin Luther King Jr.Day, but instead they heard a tangent about a Quentin Tarantino movie. “Just as Dr. King marched forward many years ago in America,” said President Obama, “We as Americans must move onward … Continue reading »

Lance Armstrong opened a very awkward TV interview with Oprah Winfrey by saying, “Forget about the performance enhancing drugs. Let’s talk about my fetish for curvy, black TV hostesses.” “You’ve got a body that’s been calling to me longer than the World Anti-Doping Agency,” said Armstrong. “Now let’s wrap up this interview, hop on my bike, … Continue reading »

In an exclusive interview with Oprah Winfrey, Lance Armstrong admitted that hanging out with steroid-using MLB players may have been a bad influence on his cycling career. “We’d usually be at Sammy Sosa’s house playing Magic the Gathering or Call of Duty. Then they would say ‘Come on! Just do some performance-enhancing drugs with us!” said … Continue reading »

Republican house speaker John Boehner threatened to send millions of Americans over the fiscal cliff and into poverty until the democrats included the trade of Albert Pujols to the Houston Astros for a fourth round pick in the year 2018. “This doesn’t even make sense,” said president Barack Obama, “First of all, we could give the … Continue reading »

After multiple incidents, including slapping a Target employee, getting into bar fights, and suspicion of felony child endangerment, Katt Williams built a time machine in order to find new places to make a complete ass out of himself. “The magnificent Katt Williams has blessed this time with his pimp-a-licious style and swagger,” said Katt Williams, “Katt … Continue reading »

“It’s horrible. It’s been over a week since I’ve eaten at Denny’s. I’ve already lost 12 pounds and I feel ten years younger, but man, I miss that greasy diarrhea-inducing Grand Slam,” said long-time customer Fred Hickson. “There’s nothing better than sitting on the toilet for a good 45 minutes to relax. I get a … Continue reading »

“I passed by him outside of the local liquor store. I did a double-take and yelled, ‘oh my god, I can’t believe it’s you’,” said local barber Larry Pittman, “I thought he was doing research for a new movie or something, so I bought him a beer and went my way. He did smell like … Continue reading »

With the 2012 Presidential election now over, many disgruntled voters who wanted a Romney win, are now threatening to leave the country for Canada. Every four years, Americans threaten this move if their candidate doesn’t win. The majority of these threats are a joke, however, Canada is taking it very seriously. They have heightened security … Continue reading »

“I needed that win. I have nothing to live for. I’m only worth $264 million, plus just a few million in my off shore accounts,” said Mitt Romney as he was bent over his Rolls Royce staring at his $1.2 million jet. “It’s just not fair! Why is everyone else so lucky? Was it that … Continue reading »

In a bold move to remove centers from the NBA All-Star ballot, NBA Executive VP of Operations Stu Jackson said that he also considers NBA players themselves unnecessary for the sport of basketball. “Why are we forced to watch only the best in the world play basketball? Let’s just watch a bunch of random people play. Why … Continue reading »

BOCA RATON, Florida — When moderator Bob Schieffer asked Mitt Romney the opening question, “Exactly how will you communicate with Middle-Eastern leaders over terrorist threats?” Romney responded: “I’d like to take our focus away from international relations for a moment and look at the fact that Obama didn’t kiss his first girl until the age … Continue reading »

BELLEFONTE, PENNSYLVANIA – Following a sentence of 30 to 60 years in prison, convicted felon Jerry Sandusky asked Judge John Cleland, “Do you think, just maybe, that you would consider letting me stay in juvenile hall for maybe just 10 years of my sentencing. It could be kind of cool to switch it up or something. I … Continue reading »

Similar to its cousin Movember, “Pubetober” is a charity event that encourages men to grow their pubic hair as long as possible. While thousands of dollars have been raised for Pubetober, many people are still not quite sure what they are raising awareness for. “I just heard that everyone was growing their pubes out,” said … Continue reading »

An acquaintance of mine recently told me of her plans for a breast augmentation. This bothers me. I realize it doesn’t really matter what I think. She can do whatever she wants with her body. I do however think that my opinion should be heard and considered for the good of the human race. Everybody … Continue reading »

In an effort to reach America’s “white republican racist demographic”, or what some people refer to as just “republican”, Barack Obama vowed that if not elected he will free all black people from their current prison sentences by the end of his first term. “Y’all think I’m [explicit]-ing around don’t you,” said the president at … Continue reading »

“Why run for one office, when you can furnish all offices in the world?” said Romney as he declined the republican nomination to take on the position of director of national sales at Office Max. “You worried about creating jobs? Well how about the job of printer repair guy? I opened up ten new positions … Continue reading »

Tired of the growing scandals at the Republican National Convention, restroom attendant Herb Williams said, “Oh, they think they’re slick. Every single year. One enters the stall, leaves it unlocked, two minutes later a second fella comes in and that’s when the party starts.” “I knock on the stall and politely ask them to leave, but they always … Continue reading »

“I can’t believe we’ve been letting this go right under our noses for nearly 50 years,” said World Wrestling Entertainment owner, Vince McMahon. “Ed the janitor has completely destroyed our credibility as a legitimate sports league.” McMahon continued, “It’s almost as bad as an NFL janitor leaving a chainsaw at the 50-yard line of the … Continue reading »

The U.S.  government and Coca-Cola Incorporated are on a man-hunt for Wikileak’s founder Julian Assange for releasing the secret formula for Coke, which is cat piss. U.S. General David Petraeus said, “Yeah we’ve told the media that it’s national security blah, blah, blah…but really, we’re furious that he’d ruin our favorite drink. I mean, I really … Continue reading »

     I prefer the homeless in the morning. Almost every day of the week I pass under a railroad bridge in downtown Indianapolis just before 9 am. Every time I walk through I pass by half dozen or so homeless men. Generally they are all still sleeping or just beginning to stir. They usually … Continue reading »

After polarizing yet profitable feedback from Chick-fil-A’s anti-same-sex marriage stance, President Dan Cathy introduced three new menu items with political stances. Cathy introduced his food on Fox and Friends saying, “This new ‘God Hates Fags Sandwich’ comes with fried chicken, because that’s how God intended us to eat chicken. Everything we do at Chick-fil-A is … Continue reading »

Los Angeles police reported that Mr. Depp was found buying $4.5 million worth of heroin with plans to sell all of it near Richmond Avenue Elementary School. “It was to be my finest piece ever, my character is a tortured soul who spends 30 years of his life withering away in jail only to be … Continue reading »

Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy, told Baptist Press that the chain is “guilty as charged” in supporting the biblical definition of family. He then followed that statement with, “I’d really like to put my cock in your mouth…of course by cock I mean our new Chargrilled Chicken Sandwich, not my actual dick.” When asked about why … Continue reading »

Inspired by Anderson Cooper’s recent announcement that he’s gay, LeBron James came out publicly to reveal that he is indeed black. “It seemed like the right time,” said James, “Sure, some people assumed I was black due to my superior athletic abilities and nearly immortal size, speed and strength. But I wanted to be clear on … Continue reading »

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After years of wavering on the issue, President Obama not only decided to back gay marriage, he has vowed that he will enforce all Americans to participate in homosexual relations by the year 2016.  President Obama said, “Here’s the situation, I don’t care if you’re straight, bi-sexual or homosexual. All I’m saying is that … Continue reading »

Three women who attended the Coachella music festival on Sunday night have come forward with allegations that Tupac is the father of their children. When asked about the after party activities that night Snoop Dogg said, “Yeah, he was f—king them ho’s. At first I thought the hologram machine was still on, but they told … Continue reading »

In his interview on the Today Show with Matt Lauer Jaguars owner, Shad Khan promised to take the poorly performing NFL team “all the way to the Mushroom Kingdom…oops, I mean Super Bowl next year.” Matt Lauer then said, “Did you just say the Mushroom Kingdom?” Khan quickly defended himself and said, “No! Haha, of … Continue reading »

NBA star Kwame Brown walked out of a Los Angeles hotel in handcuffs Monday morning while being charged with point shaving by the federal court. When Federal Attorney David Cameron was asked what evidence do they have to convict Kwame, Cameron responded, “We’ve obtained official records from ESPN, TNT and the NBA that show a career … Continue reading »

The fastest time in Florida history was set this week as Sanford Florida police arrested a fellow by the name of George Zimmerman after only six and a half weeks. Chief Bill Lee spoke at the press conference: “Originally we threw it on the ‘To Do’ list hanging on our office refrigerator, right under a … Continue reading »

Witnesses report that neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman was polishing his gun collection before he shot and killed what he said to be “a dangerous figure lurking in the bushes.” Zimmerman said, “Once I saw that the kitten was within 700 yards of my house I realized that my life could be over in any … Continue reading »

The Make-A-Wish Foundation has helped the Jeremy Lin boy fulfill his dream of becoming an NBA Superstar. “Most kids ask for a ride on a fire truck or a special visit from a sports hero, but young Jeremy Lin made it clear that he wanted to play in the National Basketball Association and average over … Continue reading »

INDIANAPOLIS — In the most surprising upset in football history, Tim Tebow scored a last minute touchdown to beat the Giants and Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI. Fans and players were stunned at Tebow’s last minute heroics. Coach Bill Belichick said, “I couldn’t believe my eyes, it’s like he came out of nowhere, scored a … Continue reading »

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama addressed the nation from the Oval Office this morning. Obama read the following: “Fellow Americans, as much as it pains me to sign a bill that takes away the most basic of American freedoms, I must do so to fight an even bigger issue, that pie-hole of a mouth on … Continue reading »

ATLANTA, GA — Historians of the Martin Luther King Jr. Library have unearthed and authenticated a rare first copy of Dr. Martin Luther King’s famous “I Have a Dream” speech. “What an extraordinary find,” said Dr. Stephen Williams, Professor of Anthropology, “It’s so unique because we have a glimpse at MLK’s initial thoughts on our … Continue reading »

After blocking a super-star trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the L.A. Lakers, commissioner David Stern decided to overstep his power once again by officially cock-blocking LeBron James’ engagement to fiancé Savannah Brinson. This comes as a result in angry letters from Mark Cuban, Kobe Bryant and former Cav’s owner, Dan Gilbert citing … Continue reading »

“One second I was hosting the New Year’s eve celebration of a lifetime and the next minute I’m standing next to what appears to be Ronald McDonald in drag,” said CNN corespondent Anderson Cooper, “I didn’t know whether to throw clothes over her or order a Big Mac.” “I could literally feel my penis hiding closer to … Continue reading »

Similar to its cousin Movember, “Pubetober” is a charity event that encourages men to grow their pubic hair as long as possible. While thousands of dollars have been raised for Pubetober, many people are still not quite sure what they are raising awareness for. “I just heard that everyone was growing their pubes out,” said … Continue reading »

“I have absolutely nothing to hide. I will answer any question, any time, anywhere…as long as they are about garlic, pepperoni and cheesy-bread,” said Cain. While these are coincidentally the same topics that Newt Gingrich and Chris Christie enjoy talking about, neither of these candidates have completely ruled out all other non-food related topics. Cain … Continue reading »

After seeing her shadow, newborn Danica May Camacho crawled back into her mother’s vagina leaving the world just shy of 7 billion people worldwide. Many sociologists suspect that this falls under the “Groundhog Day Theory”. Instead of six more weeks of bad weather, the entire world will get six more decades of shitty people. The … Continue reading »

ANCHORAGE, AK – Two people have been hospitalized for severe hypothermia as they sit in temperatures below freezing to voice their concerns over Wall Street in downtown Anchorage. Activist Cheryl McKinley said, “Please let me in your warm news van, please! We’ve seen like four people downtown today. No one notices. It’s an arctic ghost-town…oh … Continue reading »

DALLAS, TX — When reporters asked presidential candidate Rick Perry about the racial obscenity at his Texas ranch he replied, “Yes. It is a vile and offensive word. And I promise that I will remove it immediately…after my campaign is over…and after I work on that barn out back, the hinges are all rusty.” Perry … Continue reading »

CEO of Snuggie Inc. J.P. Williams announced on Wednesday, “Snuggie has made a huge step in innovation with their research and development teams. Today we release a built-in diaper.” “True, we originally thought about creating an opening for sexual intercourse, but our audience has no use for that. In fact, our case studies have found … Continue reading »