Mark Cuban held at a last minute press conference at the Dallas Convention Center on Wednesday morning to announce the end of his tenure as owner of the Dallas Mavericks in exchange for what Cuban calls ‘Magic Beans’.
Cuban said, “So I’m walking down the street, right? …and this homeless guy, well he looked homeless but I guess he was some sort of wizard, he had a big [expletive] beard and looked all crazy. Anyway he asks me if I want these magic beans and I’m like ‘[expletive] yes, I want those [expletive] beans!’ Long story short, that guy owns the Mavericks now.”
When asked how he was sure the beans truly held powers beyond concepts of reality, Cuban became noticeably agitated. “What the [expletive] did you say?”, the outraged billionaire screamed into the microphone he had torn from the lectern. “They just are! You think I’m some kind of [expletive] idiot!?! I know magic [expletive] beans when I [expletive] see them!”
Cuban then excused himself for a minute to slow his breathing. He placed Visine drops in his eyes and finished off his third can of Rockstar.
After further questions pertaining to the nature of the enchanted pods, the outspoken lover of magi slowly backed away from the podium. His face was visibly red before shouting, “THEY PROBABLY GROW A HUGE [EXPLETIVE] STEM THAT LEADS TO A CLOUD CITY! OR MAYBE THEY BEAR FRUIT THAT PROVIDES ETERNAL YOUTH! I GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT AFTER I PLANT THE [EXPETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] THINGS, WON’T WE!?!”
Cuban ended the Q&A by laughing maniacally as he ran from the room, ensuring all in attendance they would regret questioning his judgment. In a follow up forum, members of the media questioned the new owner of the Dallas based basketball team on the stage scenario unfolding before them. Unfortunately the man known only as “Barlow” merely held a dead raccoon above his head and muttered incoherent sounds while defecating his trousers.