In an unexpected press conference at the Philadelphia Holiday Inn, Jesus Christ of Nazareth issued a public apology to Harold Camping, the doomsday preacher who predicted the rapture to take place last Saturday.
“It was my fault, I’m sorry” said Christ as he raises his Ipad, “as you can see here, it’s clearly marked on my calendar. I was so busy helping the Dallas Mavericks win their playoff game that I just plain forgot.” He then showed the audience the stains on his robe from the night before when he turned water into Gatorade.
When asked about how this affects his relationship with Camping, Christ replied, “Well, I hope he can forgive me. He must be in a lot of pain to have taken millions of dollars from the people who trusted him that the rapture would occur on Saturday.”
Reporters questioned on how this will look on Christianity and Christ replied, “You just have to have faith. I have a great track record. I know Buddha looks really appealing right now, but that dude just eats a lot and is probably pretty high all the time. Seriously, who smiles that often? That’s a case of the munchies if I’ve ever seen one.”
Christ’s speech was interrupted by doomsday preacher Camping who approached the stage and accepted Christ’s apology. Christ appeared emotional and excused himself from the room. Camping then took the stand to speak to reporters. He spoke for an hour about religion, tithing at least 38%, and trading in gold for cash. Once reports grew restless, they started asking when Jesus would be back to relieve him from the stand. Camping responded, “He should be back any second now.”