NASA officially listed three of their astronauts as “missing in space” upon space shuttle Atlantis’ 135th and final mission.
Kennedy Space Center’s return home celebration was cut short when Cape Canaveral’s landing crew opened the shuttle’s hatch to only find astronaut, Douglas Hurley duct taped to the pilot’s seat with marker penis’s drawn all over his face, and a note that said, “Universe’s biggest vaj.”
When asked about the ordeal, Hurley, who was out-ranked by most of the crew said, “I hope those mother-[expletive]’s die out there. As soon as we hit space they brought out their flasks and cocaine and started doing anti-gravity beer-pong. I have to admit, the anti-gravity beer-pong was pretty cool, but those bastards risked our lives in the middle of space.”
“They did a [expletive]-ing Chinese fire drill around the shuttle when we were clearly in danger of a nearby meteor,” said Hurley. “Then they talked about who would be a better in bed; a sexy blue female alien, or a sexy green female alien. They decided both at one time. Then they said that I would probably [expletive] all of the dude aliens at some queer-alien bar in space.”
NASA’s flight director Mike Leinbach recounted his communications with the crew while in space, “I was shocked beyond belief. Every time I asked them if everything was okay they said ‘yes’ with no detailed explanation. When I asked details like, ‘what’s your cabin pressure’ or ‘is that Bon Jovi music that I hear in the background’? They told me not to worry about it. I had to trust that they would do their job.”
Hurley exposed the details of the final day in space, “Our shuttle commander Christopher Ferguson re-routed our course to fly over Mars. I tried to stop him but the other guys held me down. They got on the moon rover and asked if I knew how valuable a bottle of Jack Daniels could be on the mars where they don’t have any Earth alcohol. Then they launched off towards the moon with a week’s supply of food and condoms. They told me that if they don’t return in exactly one year that we should send Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck after them. Then they fired their pistols in the air and drifted off into space.”
As details unfold NASA is currently working on search plans and announced that they hope that Google will release Google Mars to help locate the astronauts as NASA’s new budget only allows mores code and a laser pointer in their current space communications.All photos and content used by Milk the Bull meet all legal and copyright approval. All characters, stories and situations on this site, even those based on real people, are entirely fictional.