WASHINGTON D.C. – President Obama addressed the nation from the Oval Office this morning. Obama read the following:
“Fellow Americans, as much as it pains me to sign a bill that takes away the most basic of American freedoms, I must do so to fight an even bigger issue, that pie-hole of a mouth on Perez Hilton. He has terrorized our eyes and ears for years with unnecessary gossip and bright colors that would make a unicorn puke. Unfortunately, censorship seems to be the only way to stop him.”
“Believe me, the White House has sought every other option to stop his incessant rants. We’ve looked into bombing L.A. and saying it was a terrorist attack. We’ve tried shutting down all Forever 21 stores and restricting sales of Bedazzlers across the nation, but he carried on. And we’ve even tried to systematically implement HIV back into the gay community like we did in the ‘80’s. However, all of our efforts have failed.”
“While literally millions of emails and letters garnish my desk opposing SOPA and PIPA, I have even more, actually billions of letters and emails from around the world asking the U.S. government to stop the B-list celebrity known as Perez Hilton.”
“Here, in my hand, I hold a letter from Prince of Frederick of Denmark. It reads ‘Dear President Obama, our country has been in tears and agony over the last few years due to the detestable mouth and pointless articles that have come from your citizen by the name of Perez Hilton. I implore you to do anything in your power to stop this mess. otherwise I assure you the European Union will find a much more violent way to do so. We may even deport our Greek citizens to your country to explode your country’s unemployment rate if we have to.”
“And here I have another letter, dated in May of 2010 by none other than North Korean’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Il. It reads ‘Dear Americans, if you are receiving this letter you already know that I have passed away; probably from single-handily taking down a pack of wolves with my bare hands. We’ve had our troubles in the past, but I assure you, it is not because I hate freedom, capitalism or any thing else in America. I just wanted to bomb the shit out of Perez Hilton. I guess I just felt you were enabling him and I wanted to stop him anyway I can. No hard feelings. Yours Always, Kim Jong-Il.’ ”
Obama continued, “Obviously, all of us will suffer from having our basic civil liberties stripped as we are slaves, but all in all, isn’t that a much better world if we won’t have to hear as much from Perez Hilton?”
Obama then offered follow-up questions but no reporters disagreed with his statement.