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DENNY’S CUSTOMERS FORCED TO GO ELSEWHERE TO GET DIARRHEA

“It’s horrible. It’s been over a week since I’ve eaten at Denny’s. I’ve already lost 12 pounds and I feel ten years younger, but man, I miss that greasy diarrhea-inducing Grand Slam,” said long-time customer Fred Hickson.

“There’s nothing better than sitting on the toilet for a good 45 minutes to relax. I get a lot of work done, play some Angry Birds. Yeah, I bleed a little, but it’s all for the slithery food that Denny’s serves, so it’s worth it.”

Denny’s CEO John Metz reacts to his new food prices, “So apparently the communist government and Obama like everybody to have health care? I hate that idea. That’s going to cost me over 3 cents on every meal, so if I do the math correctly I need to charge all American customers at least 25 cents per meal, or what you might call a 5% surcharge.”

“Yes, I do understand that my 5% surcharge is actually over 8 times the actual health care costs, but I how else am I going to afford the gas for my 2013 Ferrari F12 Berlinetta with 700 horsepower?”

Metz continued, “What’s next? Is the big government going to create some sort of Drug and Food Administration, where ‘scientists’ and ‘nutritionists’ are going to tell me that I can’t sell expired food anymore? This country has been headed in the wrong direction ever since we taught everyone how to read. Now they know stuff too.”

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