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GAS PRICES FORCE AMERICANS TO USE LOWER APPENDAGES

Lisa and Michelle Stevens use the left-right-left leg movement to move their bodies to a new location.

Exorbitant gas prices have devastated over 200 million overweight Americans as they are forced to use two lower appendages to move their bodies.

“It hurts when I use them. I feel like I’m in a third world country,” said Evan Porter of Boise, Idaho.

Recent studies by Harvard University show that the typical American has now been forced to increase walking from an average of 0.75 miles per day to 1.75 miles per day.

“By our calculations, that’s more then double. The effect could be devastating to the average American body,” said Dr. Paul Farmer, “Sure, everyone could gradually train their bodies for walking by regular exercise and healthy eating habits, but what are we…France? Heck, that’s not even Canada.”

“I was feeling tired and hot. It was weird, but this liquid came out of my skin pores. It was a salty substance. The doctor said he’s seen cases like this where people use something called ‘sweat glands’,” said Michael Barnes, resident of Tacoma, Washington.

“All of that weight from the Mountain Dew was just too heavy to carry,” said Rita Cantor, of Marysville, Ind., “Luckily I found a website that will deliver your groceries to your home. They have professionals who are trained in using their legs from walking to one place to the next. It’s the best invention since grocery stores provided motorized carts to drive while you shop.”

As he applied ice to his knees resident Evan Porter asked, “What’s next, will they start charging us for Facebook so that we’re forced to physically meet up with our friends in real life situations?”

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