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POPE APPROVES PRE-MARITAL SEX, BUT NOT DOGGY-STYLE

Church members across the world are in outrage, while others rejoice at the Vatican’s stance on pre-marital sex.

Ending the long-standing reviews of studies that correlate a rise in oral intercourse to the rise in sexual abstinence, Pope Benedict XVI released a statement earlier today:

“After careful review, it is to my understanding that sexual abstinence does not stop the spread of venereal diseases. And let’s face it, would you rather have it in their mouths, or down there, where it’s supposed to be. Blow jobs are through the roof right now, just try not to do anything too dirty that would displease your family.”

The Vatican declared that blow jobs, dirty sanchezes, Cleveland steamers, rusty tromboners are all un-godly acts and much more disgusting then actual sex. Missionary position is approved, but doggy-style is still considered a sin.

When asked specifics of the sins, the Pope said, “If you participated in pre-marital sex before Tuesday, you’re most certainly on the path to eternal damnation and suffering in the fiery pits of hell. But any time after Tuesday you should be fine.”

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