LOS ANGELES, CA — This week Arnold Schwarzenegger released a letter to the public revealing himself to be the father of a small island community of potential super soldiers.
According to the letter, somewhere in the pacific lies a village full of gap toothed, muscle bound children waiting to overtake the Earth’s population. Schwarzenegger explained that the children are currently being groomed to infiltrate society disguised as construction workers, scientists, pregnant men and various other inconceivable science fiction influenced occupations.
“I know this news is devastating to my wife.” The former movie star wrote. ‘It wouldn’t be so bad if I had just donated my DNA to be cloned or something but I literally f***ed all those women.”
In the letter the washed up action star explained that he had been approached with the idea to spawn an army of herculean monsters several times before he finally agreed 10 years ago.
“In retrospect I realize my timing couldn’t have been worse. That whole island gave birth at the same time my wife did… and of course my maid…yeah, same time.”