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Witnesses report that neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman was polishing his gun collection before he shot and killed what he said to be “a dangerous figure lurking in the bushes.”

Zimmerman said, “Once I saw that the kitten was within 700 yards of my house I realized that my life could be over in any second. If I would have given that kitten just another five years he would have fully grown claws and most likely gone on a terror spree.”

Zimmerman continued, “All I know is that Florida is the greatest American state because it has laws that protect citizens like me and other innocent white Christians like Casey Anthony.”

Police have release the phone record of Zimmerman right before the incident took place:

911 RESPONDENT: 9-1-1 Emergency

ZIMMERMAN: This is George Zimmerman, almighty leader of the Florida neighborhood watch. 

911 RESPONDENT: (sigh)…god, not again…George, are you masturbating to Halo again?


911 RESPONDENT: …George…

ZIMMERMAN: …uh, nooo… Listen! I heard a rustle in the bushes. It could be burglar, rapist or a person who likes basketball and rap music.

911 RESPONDENT: George, it’s probably your neighbors kitten again. Do NOT go after it. I repeat do NOT cause any more trouble.

ZIMMERMAN: I’ll take that as a direct attack order. White and Latino Power!

[conversation ends]



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