In an effort to reach America’s “white republican racist demographic”, or what some people refer to as just “republican”, Barack Obama vowed that if not elected he will free all black people from their current prison sentences by the end of his first term.
“Y’all think I’m [explicit]-ing around don’t you,” said the president at the Democratic National Convention, “just last week I learned that Sasha smoked her first cigarette which can be a gateway drug. So I pardoned a crack head from prison and had her spend the day with Sasha. It’s called tough love.”
“Don’t worry, the crack head left. Sasha is fine now and vows to never do any drugs again. Everything is back to normal…although, we’re missing a Blu-Ray player and all of our baking soda is gone.”
“What else do I have to do?” said Obama, “I caught Osama bin Laden. That’s like catching a [explicit]-ing leprechaun. I saved the American auto industry. Saved and corrected the American banking system. Created an amazing educational reform so we can compete with the rest of the world. And I saved us from The Great Recession,”
“That’s right, recession…rhymes with depression. Look it up in a history book or Google it for [explicit]’s sake. You hillbillies don’t understand that you were about an inch away from eating dust out of a bowl and sharing one pair of jeans with your whole family.”
“So here are your options: vote for me, Barack Obama, so that I can continue to put this country on the right path, or…you can vote for the rich Morman and have black people in your neighborhood. Usually the phrase ‘rich Morman’ is enough to scare most people, but y’all just don’t get it.”
“Hell I might even release some Mexicans too. At least they appreciate shit.”
“And don’t let me pull the real ace from my pocket, if I don’t get re-elected, I swear I will pass a bill that will allocate over $500 million to fund all Tyler Perry projects for the next 10 years. How does ‘Madea’s Class Reunion: Part 5’ sound? Too be honest…I don’t like it either.”
Obama then took one step away from the mic, paused and stepped to the mic and said, “I swear to god I’ll [explicit]-ing do it.” He then threw down the mic, signaled secret service and flew off in his black helicopter.