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comedy, funny, sex

Fake Boobs…

An acquaintance of mine recently told me of her plans for a breast augmentation. This bothers me. I realize it doesn’t really matter what I think. She can do whatever she wants with her body. I do however think that my opinion should be heard and considered for the good of the human race.

Everybody likes titties. Most prefer large ones. Sure, some do prefer small, but you’ll never see them turning their head around like the exorcist to watch some itty-bitties pass. Most folks like ‘em big. But not every woman gets to have big boobs. Some women have them and that’s an advantage for them in that one specific aspect of enticing mates. If you don’t have them you just have to accentuate other aspects of yourself.

I’m a baldy. I know it is not the preferred head style for attracting the opposite sex. It’s an undesirable quality. Fine, I’m bald. I’m short too. Two strikes against me. Thankfully I’m also smart, funny and unreasonably charming. That helps balance things. Never would I consider hair plugs. That shit is stupid and even worse it’s a lie. Hair plugs and boob jobs are deceitful actions used to trick potential mates into spawning flawed offspring that carry our defective DNA.

I wear a hat, you wear a push up bra or even one of those strap on water filled contraptions. These actions are supposed to be okay because they are innocent little fibs. We can use them to entice the opposite sex but at some point there is the big reveal. When you take the step further and have foreign objects attached to your body, you cross the line into deceitfulness. That new hump-buddy has no idea what the real you includes. Sure, they can tell those boobs are fake but they have no idea what the natural state of things would be. That stuff matters.

Only the strong survive, natural progression and all that jazz. Undesirable traits are supposed to be bred out of society until everyone is a six foot, blonde haired, ideal human, right? Nobody wants our short, bald, little-tittied DNA fouling up their gene pool. Tricking people into breeding with us with fake boobs and hair plugs is a cruel joke on humanity. How can we fend off future alien conquers if we’re a pathetic race of scrawny, pasty-skinned wieners, barely five feet tall? We can’t. How dare someone risk the future of our race just so they can get laid more frequently?

What I propose is this- stick to your own kind. Let the pretty, perfect people procreate. The rest of us funky, flawed folk can just fornicate. Think about the future. Now, who wants to have an orgy? … Anyone? Is it because I’m bald?



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