“I needed that win. I have nothing to live for. I’m only worth $264 million, plus just a few million in my off shore accounts,” said Mitt Romney as he was bent over his Rolls Royce staring at his $1.2 million jet.
“It’s just not fair! Why is everyone else so lucky? Was it that gay kid that I beat up on a regular basis? Was it stealing money from offshore tax evasion? Was it the constant lying to the public? Was that why I didn’t win? I mean come on, are those really sins?” said Romney as he chugged a $300 bottle of champagne. “I don’t recall the Bible mentioning anything about stealing, persecuting others, or lying. It’s such bullshit.”