Republican house speaker John Boehner threatened to send millions of Americans over the fiscal cliff and into poverty until the democrats included the trade of Albert Pujols to the Houston Astros for a fourth round pick in the year 2018.
“This doesn’t even make sense,” said president Barack Obama, “First of all, we could give the Houston Astros a 10-run lead in every game and they would still lose the entire season. Secondly, I’m not sure what Albert Pujols has to do with anything in this economy.”
Boehner responded by saying, “What the president doesn’t understand is that we just want to fuck with him at any chance we get. And if that means ruining Pujols’ career at the same time…ha, ha, well…that’s just dandy to me.”
“I’m not sure what the big fuss is about,” said Pujols, “I actually like Houston. First of all, the uniforms are much softer. And sure Los Angeles gives me amazing beaches, beautiful women, and a great night-life. But I appreciate that Texans don’t give handouts to everyone. Texans like every American to pull themselves up by their own boot-straps, just like real cowboys do. Oh, wait…Texas gives out over $19 billion in corporate welfare tax incentives every year? …shit.”