After accepting his Academy Award this week for best original fiction story, Manti Te’o has no regrets spending time making up stories instead of training for his exceptionally slow, 4.81 seconds, 40-yard dash in his NFL Combine debut.
“We use the term ‘run’ loosely, some might call it a jog, or a brisk walk,” said Te’o, “We knew that my draft stock would suffer from my time making up stories,” said Te’o, “But what has also suffered is people taking me seriously for anything I do for the rest of my life. And I mean anything. I can’t even go to a Chuck E. Cheese without people making fun of me. It’s really disrespectful, especially to do it in front of my invisible daughter. Sometimes I just want to jump into my invisible plane and fly back to my invisible floating island.”
“But I am a man, even if that means that I have a small invisible cock,” said Te’o, “I’m just really happy to beat out Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pietorius for their made up stories. They truly gave me a run for my money. It was a very slow run…at about 4.81 seconds, but it got me going either way.”
“By the way, did any of the previous Heisman Trophy winners make up elaborate stories about fake people? Because I thought that might be why I came in second even though I was originally the favorite, but that’s foolish right? Right?”