In a close competition, the Vatican announced Bergoglio of Argentina as Pope of the Roman Catholic Church after taking first place in the swimsuit competition.
“I really wanted to show my love for the Italian culture, so I knew I had to pick Dolce and Gabbana to put me in the top spot. And let’s face it, with abs like these I knew I was a shoe-in for the next pope,” said Bergoglio.
Bergoglio won the papacy through his stunning white and gold one-piece swimwear by none other than Dolce and Gabbana.
Cardinal Dolan of America came in second wearing a fabulous Calvin Klein two-piece, while Cardinal Turkson of Africa came in last place with a nice piece by Louis Vuitton. The colors were beautiful, but the judges felt that he was showing just a bit too much ball sack.
Bergoglio of Argentina sorely needed the swimsuit win because he fell far behind in the spelling competition. He lost fifty points when the judges asked him to spell the word “heavenly” and he mistakenly spelled out the word “prepubescent”.
The Vatican and churches around the world are ecstatic with the new pope. Even president Obama has stated that the U.S. will mostly likely not use drones to kill the pope. But France has some concern and is demanding a drug test before any further steps are taken.