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The Meaning Of The Vatican’s Smoke

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With Benedict XVI in retirement, and the Cardinals meeting to select a new Pope underway, many in the world are turning their attention toward the Vatican, and specifically that little chimney that stems from the Sistine Chapel.

If after a vote, black smoke is emitted from the chimney, there is no new Pope.  If it’s white, a new Pope has been selected.  But few people have heard of different colors of smoke—a  tradition that dates back to the days of Pope Steve XII. 

If the smoke is red, that means that they have a Pope, but he’s not sure he wants the job and needs a few days to “think it over”. 

If the smoke is purple, two Popes have been selected, and they will play Rock-Paper-Scissors to decide who the winner is.

If the smoke is pink, a Pope has been selected but he is gay, and all the Cardinals had a pretty good idea because he glances just a little too long in the Cardinal locker room, but they didn’t really want to say anything because they weren’t 100 per cent sure. 

If the smoke is green a new Pope has been selected and there will be 200 more years of molestation.

Dr. Phillip Favre (no relation to Brett) is the Vatican historian, and says that while different colors of smoke haven’t been used for a very long time, the Cardinals are ready for any outcome.   “This sounds unbelievable, I know, but I ‘m not blowing smoke up your cassock.  They have literally thousands options ready.”  Dr. Favre says one of his favorite is the goldenrod colored smoke, which means that the last Pope resigned, and a new one was selected, but the old one wants his job back, and takes it back from the newly elected Pope. 

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