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“I was just on fire tonight,” said LeBron, “Then I realized it’s because I was scoring on the wrong basket. Boy, Chris Bosh is gonna be mad at me.”

Coach Eric Spoelstra admitted, “I’ve never seen anything like this in basketball history. I used all eight of my time outs specifically to remind LeBron that we needed to score in our goal. My dry-erase board had one arrow and it was pointing to the right rim. That’s it. Plain and simple. He just looked at me and said, ‘okay coach’, but I could tell that he wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes he just watches the Jumbotron or gets excited about the guys who jump off the mini-trampoline to dunk from the 3-point line. It’s pretty silly.”

“Man, fuck LeBron,” said an angry teammate Chris Bosh, “I invited my grandma all the way from Texas to come watch me play. And then LeBron does this shit. Embarrassing. How’s my grandma going to know that we’re a good team now? She doesn’t watch TV. And she’s always praising my brother Joel and asks me why can’t I be a doctor like him. This was my one chance to prove something to her and stupid LeBron screwed it all up. …I hate him.”

Coach Spoelstra said, “On our last and final timeout, when LeBron put the other team up by 30 points I then drew up a play for our players to guard LeBron from scoring on the wrong basket. But he’s just so good that even we couldn’t stop him. To watch him score 70, even on the wrong basket, was a very beautiful thing. Sure it felt retarded, but beautiful too, ya know.”

“And I guess as a coach I have to accept at least part of the responsibility,” said Spoelstra, “I should have taken him out after he dropped 50 points on us. Oops. Error on my side I guess. I probably should have put Shane Battier in, but he’d probably play some boring defense or something. We want to see some high-flying dunks! Yeah!”

“Maybe it was my fault,” said teammate Dwayne Wade, “I’ve been sneaking extra protein and PEDs in his Juicy Juice so he gets real amped up and loses his attention span. Plus we’ve been playing a lot of Pin the Tail on the Donkey, so his sense of direction is real fucked up now.”



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