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NET’S SEASON ENDS: JASON KIDD SETS FIRE TO ARENA

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After spilling a drink on an NBA court to halt a basketball game, Brooklyn Nets coach, Jason Kidd set fire to the Barclays Center arena in order to put an end to the Nets atrocious 5 wins and 14 lose season.

“I was appalled,” said Net’s power forward Kevin Garnett, “I pulled into the parking lot for morning practice and just saw a lot of smoke coming out the building. A lot of us players huddled around wondering what was going on. Then coach Kidd came out in his suit, but he was all sweaty and he smelled like gasoline. He said, ‘Oh hey guys, what’s all of this mess, huh? Probably faulty wiring or something. I guess this puts an end to our historically bad season. Who’s up for some pancakes?”

Coach Kidd defended himself, “I know what you’re thinking, but the only reason I was heavily dosed in gas was because I was filling up my tank this morning. For the record, I just want everyone to know that much of the staff has seen the new ball boys playing with matches a lot recently. But hey, they’re kids. Why send them to jail over this? I say we just chalk this up as an accident and then we can all run down to the local IHOP and get a nice warm stack of chocolate chip pancakes. Or, if you’re up for it I also recommend trying the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity pancakes. Strawberries, blueberries, apples and cinnamon…now that’s an amazing start to my morning.”

“While I am disappointed,” said starting center Brooke Lopez, “I have to say that I’m just really happy that our season is over. They’re talking about building a new arena, but why? We gave it a try and just like all good things it burnt to the ground in raging flames. Why not turn this into a park? There could a twirly-slide over there, and maybe a swing set next to it. I also imagine two sets of monkey bars going right up to the top of the slide so that you can race a friend, and whoever gets to the top first wins and gets to go down the slide first. It would be a lot of fun. I even have some conceptual drawings in my car if you’d like to take a look.”

The police are currently debating on whether to press charges on coach Kidd in which he could face up to 30 years in prison for arson, but the city judge recommends an even harsher punishment in which the arena would be rebuilt and Kidd would be forced to coach the Nets for the next three to five years.

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