A&E Network’s staff is working overtime to figure out how to reclaim those three viewers who stopped watching Duck Dynasty ever since star redneck, Phil Robertson condemned blacks and gays.
“We just don’t get it,” said producer Adam Saltzberg,”Our previous metrics showed that 100% of our viewers were also homophobic and racist. Why would they stop watching now? Did they read somewhere that it’s actually prejudice to be homophobic? Well, over 95% of our viewers can’t read either, so that’s unlikely.”
“Every viewer counts. And every time one of our viewers learns that it’s not okay to be racist or homophobic, well, then it hurts our ratings,” said Saltzberg.
To reclaim their viewers A&E is currently running a new advertising campaign encouraging people to stop learning how to read, and just stop learning all together.
“It’s a very shrewd but very difficult campaign to run because all of our advertisements are pictures only,” said director Hugh Peterson, “We’ve got a bunch of photos of rednecks, and a bunch of photos of Jesus holding a double-barrel shotgun in each hand with doves flying out of his backside, because we all know that Jesus loved guns and violence. And while the Bible says that Jesus was Jewish, we’ve done the right thing and made him as white as possible too. The great thing about the Bible is that you can choose what to believe in and ignore the rest.”
Admittedly, Duck Dynasty’s biggest obstacle is finding a replacement for Phil Robertson.
“We’re hoping to find a backwoods, gun-loving, and slightly less racist white american male. Preferably one with little to no personal hygiene knowledge. We just hope we can find one in Louisiana.”