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christmas, comedy, entertainment, funny, satire

MALL SANTA PRETTY SURE HE JUST SEALED THE DEAL ON THE EASTER BUNNY GIG

Mall Santa

“Sure I’ve had rookie mistakes like over-sharing my drinking problems with children, and not properly taking care of my impetigo,” said 44 year-old, temporarily employed Santa, Roger Henderson. “But I’ve moved onward. The trick is making false promises to these kids no matter how poor they are. You want an Xbox One little Jimmy? But your parents can’t pay the light bill! Not my problem. Sure you’ll get the Xbox for Christmas. I guarantee it!”

Henderson continued, “If the kids and parents are happy then I’ve got my manager eating out of the palm of my hands. And that means I’ve finally dethroned that juvenile college junior Josh out of the running for Easter Bunny this year. That narcissistic little punk thinks he’s god’s gift to children. Yeah Josh, that’s great that you’re the mascot for your college team, but it takes more than doing keg-stands to be an Easter Bunny. Last year Josh told the manager that I had a coffee stain on my Santa suit so that he could take the Easter Bunny gig. Plus, it wasn’t even coffee, it was something else that was brown that I would rather not talk about.”

“My manager sees the kids smiling and he’s happier than a diabetic reindeer on candy cane mountain,” said Henderson.

“He really does have diabetes. I don’t know if it’s type 1 or type 2, but you get the idea.”

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