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AUTOPSY REPORT: “SANDRA BLAND HAD WATER IN HER SYSTEM”

Water Cop

New reports released by Texas officials prove that black female driver, Sandra Bland, did indeed have water in her system which led to her criminal behavior of not using a turn signal. In fact, medical reports show that at least 75% of Bland’s body was composed of water.

“This woman clearly had elevated levels of water in her system,” said Texas physician Clyde Jackson, “If she had zero water in her system, she would not have been seen as a threat at all. True, a body with 0% water is not a human being anymore and is structurally a rock, but the fact remains that she would have been safer had she chosen to be rock. Of course, unless she was obsidian…that’s a black rock. Cops hate those too.”

“All I know,” said officer Brian Encinia who arrested Bland, “Is that when a person is well-hydrated they have the capacity to do anything. Basic training, when I saw three open the bottles of Dasani in her car I knew that I had to violently pull her out, snap her wrist, and slam her head on the sidewalk. That’s the best way to treat our own American citizens.”

Officer Encinia continues, “Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer, Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein all drank water too? Yeah, most people don’t think about that. So what am I to think when a person minding their own business forgets to put on her tun signal? Drunk off water she could have killed a person…or even worse…she could have killed two people. I don’t even know what could happen after that…three maybe four people? When do the numbers stop? Probably after 20 but who really knows?”

“Did I mention that I say ‘nigger’ at least 30 times a day? I doubt that has any relevance. It’s just a fun fact about my lovable personality and hilarious joke-telling styles, which all happen to be about race,” said Encinia, “Just thought I’d share that with you.”

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