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BERNIE VOWS TO STAY IN RACE UNTIL END OF HILLARY’S FIRST TERM

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Senator from Vermont and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has vowed to stay in the race against Hillary until “she runs again, gotdammit!”

Despite calls for him to drop and help unify the party, Sanders has indicated he won’t do so.

“When I run for President, I go balls deep. Some people want me to pull out, but I plan on thrusting my agenda down Hillary’s throat throughout her first term until I nut all up in that bitch.”

However confused the Senator’s metaphors are, one thing is clear: his supporters are behind him all the way.

“I think Bernie has a chance, no matter who is elected in November.” said Travis Fairfield, a college student and father of four. “Bernie will make a great President, even if that President is Hillary.”

Jeff Weaver, Bernie’s campaign manager, seems to be the driving force behind the decision to remain in the race. “This is my ticket out of the little league. We have to win this. I don’t care if Bernie dies, he WILL be President.”

MTB data partner, Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight.com, has the odds of Bernie dying before he’s elected President at 100 to 0. More as the story develops.

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