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milkthebull has written 133 posts for milkthebull

CLINTON’S SECRET WALL STREET TRANSCRIPTS REVEAL 9 STRAIGHT HOURS OF DRUNKEN KARAOKE

“I like to start of slow and friendly,” said Clinton, “Maybe with something like Wilson Philips ‘Hold On’, then I slowly crank it up to a little Shania Twain ‘Man I Feel Like a Women’ and by the end of the night I’m usually singing while laying down with my yellow pant-suit half way off … Continue reading

BERNIE VOWS TO STAY IN RACE UNTIL END OF HILLARY’S FIRST TERM

Senator from Vermont and presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has vowed to stay in the race against Hillary until “she runs again, gotdammit!” Despite calls for him to drop and help unify the party, Sanders has indicated he won’t do so. “When I run for President, I go balls deep. Some people want me to pull … Continue reading

MEEK MILLER RELEASES DISS TRACK ON LATE PIZZA DELIVERY BOY

Already embroiled in a rap battle with Drake, Meek Mill went for the jugular when his local pizza boy arrived 10 minutes later than previously promised on the phone. “I was really confused,” said 17-year-old pizza delivery boy Chad Sadler, “I apologized for being late then Mr. Miller said ‘it’s too late for apologies when … Continue reading

AUTOPSY REPORT: “SANDRA BLAND HAD WATER IN HER SYSTEM”

New reports released by Texas officials prove that black female driver, Sandra Bland, did indeed have water in her system which led to her criminal behavior of not using a turn signal. In fact, medical reports show that at least 75% of Bland’s body was composed of water. “This woman clearly had elevated levels of water in her … Continue reading

LUKE RIDNOUR TRADED FOR GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH, 3 POKEMON CARDS, AND ALANIS MORISSETTE CD

Coming off of his fourth trade in six days, Oklahoma City Thunder traded 34-year-old NBA point guard Luke Ridnour to 13-year-old sports fan Dylan Hutchinson for a grilled cheese sandwich, three collectible Pokemon cards, and “Some kind of CD from his mom’s car that she never listens to.” Ridnour was ecstatic when he heard about … Continue reading

GROWN MAN ANGRILY CANCELS SUBSCRIPTION TO VANITY FAIR

“First they put Kristen Stewart on the cover who is CLEARLY a poor man’s Jennifer Lawrence and now this!?” exclaims Todd Thompson, local air conditioning installer in Muncie, IN. Thompson continued, “Of course I’m not angry because I’m actually kind of attracted to a transexual who has softy velvety tits. That’s disgusting! And it’s a sin! … Continue reading

BRUCE JENNER TO BECOME FIRST FEMALE KARDASHIAN TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER LIFE

“Our most famous family member’s greatest achievement is marrying a douche-bag,” said Bruce Jenner as he spoke in an interview with Diane Sawyer about his transition into becoming a female this week. “In reality I do love Kanye,” said Jenner, “But until he produces a real hit like ‘It’s Raining Men’, ‘Dancing Queen’ or ‘I … Continue reading

INDIANA PASSES “FREEDOM FROM COMMON SENSE” BILL

  After facing backlash from the “Religious Freedom” bill, Indiana Republican Governor Mike Pence started a new campaign which would protect people from logic, thought, justice, compassion and anything else that could lead someone to become a more intelligent person.   “America was founded on the right to hate gays, blacks, Muslims, reading, writing and … Continue reading

INDIANA NOW NUTTIER THAN ARIZONA

Indiana has become the latest state to pass a Religious Freedom bill through its legislature and on to the Republican Governor Mike Pence’s office for its signing into law Thursday morning. The bill essentially allows private business owners to use their religious beliefs as justification to refuse service to customers. Now Indiana is receiving threats … Continue reading

RACIST FRAT BRO: “JUST BECAUSE I CHANT THAT I DON’T WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH NIGGERS, DOESN’T MEAN I’M RACIST”

Two of the students who were identified in last week’s viral video chanting “There will never be a nigger in SAE” have been expelled by the University of Oklahoma.  Parker Rice and Levi Pettit were both on a bus, helping to lead the racist chant. Rice released a statement, and the parents of Pettit released … Continue reading

BRIAN WILLIAMS’ HARROWING ACCOUNT OF BEING CAUGHT IN LIE ABOUT HARROWING ACCOUNT IN IRAQ

Longtime NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams has been under scrutiny recently for his embellishment of a story in which the helicopter he was riding in was shot down in Iraq.  Now, Mr. Williams spoke exclusively with Milk the Bull about how his trumped up story was first uncovered. “I was in the staff lounge … Continue reading

DESPITE PRAYERS, GOD WANTS MORE ATHLETIC TEAM TO WIN

“Why on earth would anyone think that the Seahawks won because they are ‘the more Christian’ team?” said God in the post-game interview following the NFC Championship game, “Don’t they know that Seattle’s defensive players Tony McDaniel and Kevin Williams both have been arrested for domestic violence? They beat their girlfriends for crying out loud. Do … Continue reading

EMBARRASSED PODIATRIST HAVING HARD TIME LOCATING THE HEART

“Well this is kind of embarrassing,” said Dr. Richard Paley as he speaks to his patient in front of a chart of the human body. “As a foot specialist it’s obvious to me that the fifth metatarsal is here, and the talus is right here; but where exactly is the heart?” said Dr. Paley. “I … Continue reading

GUY WITH NO SLEEVES HOPING TO FIND GIRL WITH NO OPTIONS

“Did you catch that UFC fight last night,” said the bro to an uninterested girl, “I do a little fighting as well. Probably could have taken him down in the third round myself. Kinda got my own fighting style, ya know.”

KIM JONG-UN DECLARES WAR ON GERBER FOR STEALING HIS LIKENESS

“The U.S. commits a merciless act of treason by releasing delicious carrots and sweet mushy bananas in a tiny little jar for adorable babies to enjoy. If this is not stopped immediately, then the mighty dragon nation of North Korea will unleash an all-out war on the U.S.” said North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-Un, after also … Continue reading

MALL SANTA PRETTY SURE HE JUST SEALED THE DEAL ON THE EASTER BUNNY GIG

“Sure I’ve had rookie mistakes like over-sharing my drinking problems with children, and not properly taking care of my impetigo,” said 44 year-old, temporarily employed Santa, Roger Henderson. “But I’ve moved onward. The trick is making false promises to these kids no matter how poor they are. You want an Xbox One little Jimmy? But your … Continue reading

STORE OWNER: “MR. COSBY’S 40-YEARS OF ROBITUSSIN AND CONDOM PURCHASES STARTING TO MAKE SENSE”

“Bill…you buy three bottles of cough syrup every Saturday night. I’m worried about your health.” Continue reading

FERGUSON POLICE BELIEVE PANCAKE BREAKFAST WILL SOLVE “THIS WHOLE MURDER THING”

In response to city-wide riots from the murder of an unarmed man, Ferguson Missouri police believe that community relations can be restored by hosting a free pancake breakfast this Saturday from 8 a.m. to Noon at the Ferguson police department. “It’s going to be great,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson , “There will be pancakes, … Continue reading

UNEMPLOYED MAN FANCIES HIMSELF A WRITER

Unemployed Man Fancies Himself a Writer Arnold Foust already has new career in mind. “I was just responding to some e-mails and drinking coffee when I realized that I had a passion for writing, so now I’m a writer,” the former office manager proclaimed between sips of coffee. “Most days I start by brewing a … Continue reading

PEANUTS RELEASES CHARLIE BROWN SPECIAL

REST OF MOVIE THEATER ECSTATIC THAT MOTHER BROUGHT CRYING INFANT

A Seattle mother made a rare but strong move this weekend by bringing her crying infant into a packed movie theater, but most of the audience members seemed to enjoy her otherwise illogical decision. “Kids are always the cutest when they’re crying at the top of their lungs,” said movie-goer Tyra Patterson, “I usually try to … Continue reading

GUY ON UNICYCLE ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL

“Do you know which way the deli is?” asks Roger the unicyclist, while riding his ridiculous contraption in the bicycle lane as if it’s a real bike. “Of course Roger knows where the fucking deli is,” said Keith Anderson, a long time neighbor of Roger. “It’s the most popular deli in the city and it’s … Continue reading

BRAZILIAN WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO ACTUAL SOCCER BALL

Many fans know Brazil as a World Cup dynasty and a country that produces most of the elite soccer players, but today they set another record when a Brazilian woman gave birth to an official FIFA approved soccer ball earlier this morning. “At first we were hoping for a baby boy, you know…so he could … Continue reading

BIRDMAN ADMITS DEAL WITH DEVIL LOST HEAT’S TITLE

Earlier this morning Miami Heat power forward Chris Andersen opened up to the media about his team’s loss in the NBA finals. “Do my tattoos, beard and Mohawk mean that I’m in a gang? Of course not! That’s offensive. But do I ritualistically sacrifice small animals, and humans with deformities in order to win a … Continue reading

GAME OF THRONE’S FAN CRYOGENICALLY FREEZES SELF UNTIL NEXT SEASON

After one of the most riveting and tumultuous seasons yet, Game of Thrones fan Jeff Thornburg descended into a liquid nitrogen filled chamber worth over $3 mil. “He thought about freezing only his brain to save a few hundred thousand dollars, but he had a few worries about finding a new body for it. True. … Continue reading

MAN UPSET THAT TONY AWARDS “TOO GAY”

< Last evening was Broadway’s biggest night, the Tony Awards, when the best and brightest gathered to perform and recognize their outstanding achievements. One viewer was not so thrilled with what he saw in prime time, however. Thaddeus Grubner of some town in Oklahoma explains his views. “I just thank, that if yer a man, … Continue reading

PACERS FAN’S SNARKY TWEETS FAIL TO LEAD TEAM TO VICTORY

Evansville, IN — The feeling of defeat is palpable today inside the small studio apartment of Pacers fan Rodney Harris. “I don’t know how his could happen?” Harris asks no to one in particular as he sits on his futon staring at his smart phone. Rodney is of course referring to the embarrassing 4-1 defeat … Continue reading

PAT SAJAK “DECADES OF ABUSING HAIRSPRAY HAS STRICKEN ME WITH ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE”

Pat Sajak’s publicist released a statement explaining the Wheel of Fortune host’s bizarre tweet calling global warming alarmists “unpatriotic racists” is actually a product of stage-2 Alzheimer’s disease from using vast amounts of hairspray. While the statement was meant to clarify the previous message that left many of his fans questioning his sanity, Sajak only … Continue reading

FAT KID STILL DECIDING IF HE SHOULD JOIN BASEBALL OR CROSS-COUNTRY

“The great thing about cross-country is that my best friend Connor is joining, but the best part about baseball is that there is no exercising whatsoever. I can sit on the bench for hours and people will call me an athlete,” said 6th grader, Dylan Walker. Dylan continued to talk about his father who is … Continue reading

CLIPPERS OWNER REMOVES “HALF MEXICAN” PREFERENCE FROM OKCUPID ACCOUNT

“Even at my age a man can still learn,” said Clippers former owner Donald Sterling, “And I certainly learned a big lesson from my lifetime ban from the NBA. And that lesson is that you should never date a half-Mexican woman.” “At first when I joined OKcupid, I thought it would be a great way … Continue reading

Woman Throws Shoe at Hillary. Fashion Guru Freaks Out.

Last week Secretary of State and potential 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was speaking at an event in Las Vegas when a soccer cleat was thrown at her from the audience. The woman who threw the shoe shouted something, and was quickly arrested by security guards. Tim Gunn, fashion icon and star of Project Runway, … Continue reading

PUTIN: RELAX WORLD, CRIMEA IS A PIECE OF SHIT

With Russian forces established in Crimea, and a recent vote by its citizens to officially become a part of Russia, Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t know what all the hoopla is about. Milk the Bull somehow gained special access to interview Putin. “Well, what I mean is, a month ago, no one in the world … Continue reading

WARREN BUFFET OFFERS $3 BIL TO ANY AMERICAN WHO CAN NAME 5 COUNTRIES OUTSIDE OF THE U.S.

Following his recent challenge of offering $1 billion to anyone who gets a perfect March Madness bracket, billionaire Warren Buffet offered a new challenge of $3 billion to any American who can name 5 countries outside of the U.S. “I’ll even spot you Canada and Mexico,” said Buffet, “It’s actually amazing how many American’s think … Continue reading

OLYMPIC CURLING TEAM TEST POSITIVE FOR PEDS, STRIPPED OF MEDALS

Sweden’s women’s curling team were stripped of their Olympic medals  following an announcement that they were using performance-enhancing drugs. International Olympic Committee (IOC) President, Thomas Bach said, “We definitely know that someone on the team used PEDs, but we haven’t figure out who, because when we told our our translator for the IOC to ask … Continue reading

DRAKE “DISGUSTED” THAT CHILDREN WITH CANCER ARE ON THE COVER OF HARVARD MEDICAL MAGAZINE INSTEAD OF HIMSELF

“That’s disgusting!” said Drake as he looks at a magazine with cute, adorable and cancer-ridden children on the cover. This comment came just a day after Drake called the Philip Seymour Hoffman tribute cover for Rolling Stone “disgusting” because Drake himself was not on the cover. “I can’t believe this medical magazine bro,” said Drake … Continue reading

RUSSIA CHANGES ANTI-GAY STANCE; ALLOWS MEN’S FIGURE SKATING IN OLYMPICS

Amid heavy protests by nations around the world, Russia has temporarily changed its stance on homosexuals by lifting its ban on men’s figure skating in the 2014 Olympics. “This is a breakthrough in the great country of Russia,” said Putin, “For the next few weeks, the Russian government will temporarily allow gays to compete in … Continue reading

JOE NAMATH’S COAT DIRECTLY LINKED TO 28 NYC MURDERS

In what was seen as an entertaining fashion choice at the 2014 NFL Super Bowl XLVIII, Joe Namath’s fur coat has been tested and linked to 28 homicides in the greater New York city area stemming from 1977 through 2006. NYC police were first tipped off to the coat by referee Terry McAulay who said, “During … Continue reading

HIGH SCHOOL PHENOM SKIPS COLLEGE TO GO STRAIGHT TO NBA INJURY LIST

“Sure, I could play it safe and go to college, but why sprain an ankle in the NCAA when I have the potential to tear an ACL on a global stage,” said number one ranked high school player Jahlil Okafor. Okafor said he looks forward to going to the NBA, and more importantly getting picked by … Continue reading

“I’M MOSTLY STRAIGHT” SAID OBVIOUSLY MOSTLY GAY ACTOR JOSH HUTCHERSON

In his interview with “Out” magazine, “Hunger Games” star Josh Hutcherson said about his sexuality, “Maybe I could say right now I’m 100 percent straight. But who knows? In a f–––ing year, I could meet a guy and be like, ‘Whoa, I’m attracted to this person.’ “ “This is pretty much what every closeted gay … Continue reading

PSYCHOLOGY REPORT: 100% OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS WILL END WHEN WOMEN DECIDE TO STOP DATING DOUCHE-BAGS

Some call it a crazy theory, but scientists have found that when injecting something called “common sense”, women are 25% more likely to realize their attraction to douche-bags is completely absurd, thus leading them to end their harmful relationship, and start a healthy relationship with a nice guy. Study participant Shelly Sullivan, age 26, said, … Continue reading

INTERNET SPOOKS EVIL GOD OF WINTER WITH MAGICAL CUPS OF BOILING WATER

The evil god of winter, Boreas started his retreat from middle earth today as humans across the world fought back by throwing boiling cups of water into the air. At first the mere mortals thought they could defeat the bearded god with the billowing cloak by throwing just room temperature water into the air, however … Continue reading

AMAZON TO HAVE DRUNKEN DENNIS RODMAN DELIVER TO YOUR DOOR

After a failed run at their robot delivery service Amazon now offers a drunken Dennis Rodman personal delivery service for an extra $5 per visit. When customers complete their order they will have a choice of the standard 5 day delivery, or the drunken Dennis Rodman delivery special, in which Rodman will deliver your package … Continue reading

DUCK DYNASTY LOSES THREE VIEWERS OVER HOMOPHOBIC & RACIST COMMENTS

A&E Network’s staff is working overtime to figure out how to reclaim those three viewers who stopped watching Duck Dynasty ever since star redneck, Phil Robertson condemned blacks and gays. “We just don’t get it,” said producer Adam Saltzberg,”Our previous metrics showed that 100% of our viewers were also homophobic and racist. Why would they … Continue reading

NET’S SEASON ENDS: JASON KIDD SETS FIRE TO ARENA

After spilling a drink on an NBA court to halt a basketball game, Brooklyn Nets coach, Jason Kidd set fire to the Barclays Center arena in order to put an end to the Nets atrocious 5 wins and 14 lose season. “I was appalled,” said Net’s power forward Kevin Garnett, “I pulled into the parking … Continue reading

PHIL JACKSON ADMITS IT WAS HIM, NOT KWAME BROWN, WHO FARTED IN THE LAST TIMEOUT TO MAKE THE LAKERS LOSE THE 2008 NBA FINALS

Phil Jackson tells the story: “Most thought it was a ‘silent but deadly’ fart, but that’s far from the truth. It was as loud as a helicopter, but since we were in a sold-out arena with over 20,000 screaming fans, it left my butt-cheeks undetected.” “As the putrid smell hit the players they lost focus … Continue reading

STRIP CLUB OWNER FORCES STRIPPERS TO WEAR CONSERVATIVE CLOTHING TO LOOK LESS LIKE MILEY CYRUS

In an unexpected move by Atlanta’s largest strip club, Tattletale Lounge has forced dancers to cover up and put on respectable clothing. This has created backlash in the community. “It’s a really weird move,” said anonymous dancer ‘Ivy’, “But we understand it. We can’t let people think that we’re whoring ourselves out like Miley Cyrus.” … Continue reading

YELP GETS 2 OUT OF 5 STAR REVIEW…ON YELP

Internet review site Yelp has an abysmal rating of only 2 out of 5 stars on it’s own site. This leaves Yelp chairman Max Levchin embarrassed and stunned. “Our own website is making us look bad,” said Levchin, “I guess we should have put some kind of fail-safe system on the site that keeps us at … Continue reading

WENDY WILLIAMS WINS EMMY IN TRANSGENDER ROLE IN “ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK”

Los Angeles, CA — Wendy Williams won an Emmy last week, and broke barriers as the first transgender actor to star on a mainstream television show. In her acceptance speech Williams said, “I’m just happy to act in ‘Orange is the New Black’ on Netflix. I’m also extremely happy to host my own talk show … Continue reading

TIM TEBOW LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING THE MOST POLARIZING CASHIER AT BURGER KING

After getting cut from his third NFL team, the ever-inspirational Tim Tebow is happy to take his calling at his local Burger King restaurant. “Okay, so here is your value meal number two,” said Tebow as he helps a customer, “And might I add that the Lord Jesus Christ is with you even as you … Continue reading

POWERFUL CEO WALKS AROUND PANTLESS JUST DARING SOMEONE TO SAY SOMETHING.

Following a ruthless round of lay-offs at a Fortune 500 company, CEO Richard Burton came in today strutting around the office starring people directly in the eye while wearing only whitey-tighty underwear accompanied by the top half of a business suit.  “I was scared,” said Junior Assistant Eric Young, “He just stared right through me … Continue reading

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