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This category contains 13 posts

AUTOPSY REPORT: “SANDRA BLAND HAD WATER IN HER SYSTEM”

New reports released by Texas officials prove that black female driver, Sandra Bland, did indeed have water in her system which led to her criminal behavior of not using a turn signal. In fact, medical reports show that at least 75% of Bland’s body was composed of water. “This woman clearly had elevated levels of water in her … Continue reading

INDIANA PASSES “FREEDOM FROM COMMON SENSE” BILL

  After facing backlash from the “Religious Freedom” bill, Indiana Republican Governor Mike Pence started a new campaign which would protect people from logic, thought, justice, compassion and anything else that could lead someone to become a more intelligent person.   “America was founded on the right to hate gays, blacks, Muslims, reading, writing and … Continue reading

INDIANA NOW NUTTIER THAN ARIZONA

Indiana has become the latest state to pass a Religious Freedom bill through its legislature and on to the Republican Governor Mike Pence’s office for its signing into law Thursday morning. The bill essentially allows private business owners to use their religious beliefs as justification to refuse service to customers. Now Indiana is receiving threats … Continue reading

RACIST FRAT BRO: “JUST BECAUSE I CHANT THAT I DON’T WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH NIGGERS, DOESN’T MEAN I’M RACIST”

Two of the students who were identified in last week’s viral video chanting “There will never be a nigger in SAE” have been expelled by the University of Oklahoma.  Parker Rice and Levi Pettit were both on a bus, helping to lead the racist chant. Rice released a statement, and the parents of Pettit released … Continue reading

FERGUSON POLICE BELIEVE PANCAKE BREAKFAST WILL SOLVE “THIS WHOLE MURDER THING”

In response to city-wide riots from the murder of an unarmed man, Ferguson Missouri police believe that community relations can be restored by hosting a free pancake breakfast this Saturday from 8 a.m. to Noon at the Ferguson police department. “It’s going to be great,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson , “There will be pancakes, … Continue reading

PAT SAJAK “DECADES OF ABUSING HAIRSPRAY HAS STRICKEN ME WITH ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE”

Pat Sajak’s publicist released a statement explaining the Wheel of Fortune host’s bizarre tweet calling global warming alarmists “unpatriotic racists” is actually a product of stage-2 Alzheimer’s disease from using vast amounts of hairspray. While the statement was meant to clarify the previous message that left many of his fans questioning his sanity, Sajak only … Continue reading

CLIPPERS OWNER REMOVES “HALF MEXICAN” PREFERENCE FROM OKCUPID ACCOUNT

“Even at my age a man can still learn,” said Clippers former owner Donald Sterling, “And I certainly learned a big lesson from my lifetime ban from the NBA. And that lesson is that you should never date a half-Mexican woman.” “At first when I joined OKcupid, I thought it would be a great way … Continue reading

DUCK DYNASTY LOSES THREE VIEWERS OVER HOMOPHOBIC & RACIST COMMENTS

A&E Network’s staff is working overtime to figure out how to reclaim those three viewers who stopped watching Duck Dynasty ever since star redneck, Phil Robertson condemned blacks and gays. “We just don’t get it,” said producer Adam Saltzberg,”Our previous metrics showed that 100% of our viewers were also homophobic and racist. Why would they … Continue reading

ZIMMERMAN DELIVERS KATE MIDDLETON’S BABY

In a shocking turn of events, Duchess Kate Middleton and Prince William were in Hyde Park in London when Kate’s water broke. The royal lady then started going into labor. Prince William immediately began to panic because there were no medics in sight. As he screamed for help; a round, hispanic man jumped from the … Continue reading

BEST MAN PROBABLY SHOULDN’T HAVE OPENED WITH ZIMMERMAN JOKE AT BROTHER’S INTERRACIAL WEDDING

“Oh god,” said best man Brad Hopkins “It sounded so funny when I was rehearsing it in the back room. I know her entire side of the family is black, but they’ve always had a good sense of humor.” “Maybe it was my timing? Or possibly my cadence? That’s it! I should have used more … Continue reading

FLORIDA MAN DECLARES “NO JUSTICE FOR TRAYVON? I GOT THIS.”

With a jury of six women finding George Zimmerman not guilty in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, many Americans are shocked and upset by the news, especially given Zimmerman’s “Stand Your Ground” defense. Milk the Bull spoke with Florida resident, JaQuavius Jackson (who initially requested we not disclose his race, but then we were like “Really?”) shortly … Continue reading

SIX DUMB BITCHES FUCK-UP EVERYONE’S WEEKEND

“I just don’t know,” whines one bitch, “I’m missing a new episode of Real Housewives and they expect me to make a big decision like this? Plus we’re not allowed access to media for an entire week? I hate listening to these lawyers. I was really looking forward to a movie night in my condo.” … Continue reading

OBAMA THREATENS TO PARDON ALL BLACK PEOPLE FROM PRISON IF AMERICA DOES NOT RE-ELECT HIM

In an effort to reach America’s “white republican racist demographic”, or what some people refer to as just “republican”, Barack Obama vowed that if not elected he will free all black people from their current prison sentences by the end of his first term. “Y’all think I’m [explicit]-ing around don’t you,” said the president at … Continue reading

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