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This tag is associated with 7 posts

FERGUSON POLICE BELIEVE PANCAKE BREAKFAST WILL SOLVE “THIS WHOLE MURDER THING”

In response to city-wide riots from the murder of an unarmed man, Ferguson Missouri police believe that community relations can be restored by hosting a free pancake breakfast this Saturday from 8 a.m. to Noon at the Ferguson police department. “It’s going to be great,” said Police Chief Thomas Jackson , “There will be pancakes, … Continue reading

GUY ON UNICYCLE ACTING LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL

“Do you know which way the deli is?” asks Roger the unicyclist, while riding his ridiculous contraption in the bicycle lane as if it’s a real bike. “Of course Roger knows where the fucking deli is,” said Keith Anderson, a long time neighbor of Roger. “It’s the most popular deli in the city and it’s … Continue reading

Woman Throws Shoe at Hillary. Fashion Guru Freaks Out.

Last week Secretary of State and potential 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was speaking at an event in Las Vegas when a soccer cleat was thrown at her from the audience. The woman who threw the shoe shouted something, and was quickly arrested by security guards. Tim Gunn, fashion icon and star of Project Runway, … Continue reading

RUSSIA CHANGES ANTI-GAY STANCE; ALLOWS MEN’S FIGURE SKATING IN OLYMPICS

Amid heavy protests by nations around the world, Russia has temporarily changed its stance on homosexuals by lifting its ban on men’s figure skating in the 2014 Olympics. “This is a breakthrough in the great country of Russia,” said Putin, “For the next few weeks, the Russian government will temporarily allow gays to compete in … Continue reading

FLORIDA POLICE SET RECORD-BREAKING QUICKEST MURDER ARREST IN JUST UNDER 7 WEEKS

The fastest time in Florida history was set this week as Sanford Florida police arrested a fellow by the name of George Zimmerman after only six and a half weeks. Chief Bill Lee spoke at the press conference: “Originally we threw it on the ‘To Do’ list hanging on our office refrigerator, right under a … Continue reading

GEORGE ZIMMERMAN KILLS NEIGHBORHOOD KITTEN

Witnesses report that neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman was polishing his gun collection before he shot and killed what he said to be “a dangerous figure lurking in the bushes.” Zimmerman said, “Once I saw that the kitten was within 700 yards of my house I realized that my life could be over in any … Continue reading

BLOCKBUSTER EMPLOYEE ASSAULTS A REDBOX

Police arrested former Blockbuster employee David Seacrest at approximately 8:30 p.m. Saturday for public intoxication, and attacking a Redbox DVD dispenser near a Target corridor. Target store manger, Gary Green gave police surveillance footage which shows Seacrest stumbling out of the Target and scolding the Redbox about the current job market. “We see drunks disturb … Continue reading

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